Sexual Harassment: Actions Speak Louder than Words
A fellow Ammani blogger seems to have caused quite the controversy today by sexually harassing a lady. He blogged earlier this afternoon, not to seek attention as he has said, but to publicly apologize to every girl he has harassed online, stating on his blog that he “took advantage of the social networks” that he utilized for his personal life such as Facebook and twitter and has harassed girls and asked them to “to have cyber sex” with him.
One of the girls (God bless her for her courage) took her rage online on twitter and voiced her thoughts to the world, where many have spoken up and voiced their thoughts against this harassment, some have taken sympathy with this blogger, the question is, where do we draw the line online? How do we draw the line, and when is crossing the line too much?
I read the tweets, many of which were harsh, and I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, as the matter has become one of public controversy and true rage. Mohammad Tarakiyee of Tarakiyee Blog tweeted “Ok, so if cyber-sex was his escape from doing “the sin”, then what’s his excuse for harrasing women offline to sleep with him?”, many tweeps have tweeted saying that his Twitter and Blog apology where not accepted and most of all, Where as another tweep Ahmad Bader tweeted saying: “for all who blame ali for what he said, just be brave as him & apologize for your mistakes! Let us be mature & not invent scandals”
Some tweeps have asked Ali to apologize to every single girl that he has harassed but as his blog post “Reputation Ruined …Whats Next
[http://confessionsofachubby.com/2011/07/02/reputation-ruined-whats-next/] he says that he “will not do such thing.”, Ali seems to believe that a public apology in general to all girls will do, yet he refused to be specific. I think you are wrong, I am not sure you agree with me Ali, but if you reading this blog, the least you could do is apologize to one girl at a time PRIVATELY, an SMS, Twitter DM or Email should do seeing as I doubt any of those ladies would take your call. Make your apologies personal, and tell each and every one that you have hurt our there that you are sorry, why you are sorry and show true sympathy, not because of what the public perceives of you, but what pain you have caused those girls by asking them to do something that they obviously are not okay doing.
Blogging about your sexual needs, not so call, everyone has them, its human nature, but don’t go around saying things like you have sexual needs just like other guys in the world. It’s not about other guys, and it’s not about your sexual needs it is about the girls, remember that they are someone’s sister, someone’s cousin and most likely someone’s daughter, so sexual harassment sexually, verbally or physically in any shape or form is not something you should be doing.
What you wrote in your post “I do believe that I deserve a second chance, and I promise myself and everyone who reads this post that I will learn from my mistake. Is there a place in your hearts to forgive? This is the question.” Is not about you alone, but about everyone that you hurt in the process, can you forgive your self? Can those ladies forgive you before you consider forgiving your self?
Sexual harassment is a big deal, and to everyone out there, Ali and other people who consider “Cyber Sex” to be okay as you’d rather do that that “Do a Whore” which Ali has indicated in his blog [Btw what where you thinking? Jeet etkahelha 3ameetha”, remember unwelcome sexual advances include offensive flirtations, suggestive remarks, innuendos or lewd comments; propositions or pressure for sexual activity; continued suggestions for social activity even in the cyber world should stop, and actually should never start.
Before I end this post, I have a few comments that I would like to share about a proper apology, it is not done through twitter, through Facebook or a blogpost that says you’d rather have cyber sex than do a whore, or a post that says you will apologize in general but not to the girls, an apology should be genuine, with humility and one way service it’s among the least popular traits in our advanced culture. When should you apologize, the answer is as soon as possible, don’t point fingers and explain your actions when you know that you have hurt someone, its not about you, it’s about them, you must always acknowledge the regret you have, be remorseful and most of all mean it. A genuine apology is not a habitual apologetic mannerism. It is a deliberate effort to solve a relational problem that you have contributed to. This requires of discipline. Believe me because I know from experience.
Remember the golden rule of an apology is to make it genuine, don’t justify your actions and make a commitment to change. Phrase your apology carefully and be prepared for an awkward conclusion. I hope you can genuinely apologize to the ladies that you hurt, and if you are lucky enough they will find it in their hearts to forgive you.
26 Comments
Manar
03.07.2012
hey !
i am not a blogger or anything !
i just saw the blog’s link on my friends wall
and i am totally shocked !
i can’t believe that there is people like that !
having cuber sex or what ever u call it ,, with all do respect
uuuuuh !
i hope that your blog can actually help people to stop this !
this is against religions and against traditions as Arabs such as Palestinians,Jordanians and Syrians so thank u for raising up your thoughts to us
a really good blog
Jen
07.04.2011
Well reading all of this has pretty much shocked me! The girl who managed to create this fuss definitely knew that targeting Ali would give her so much publicity. As how many of us on a weekly or monthly basis get weird messages from various social channels. This man had asked a question, not forced anything upon her. From what I understood he wasn’t even graphic about it! Ask yourself, does he deserve this sort of humiliation?
Really doesn’t, but he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. This girl threw this fantastic tantrum that sent ripples across the Ammani Twitter Feed! And Ali, our Jordanian Twitter Celebrity managed to get this much attention!
Applaud him, and stop pretending the internet and Social Media channels are a haven of innocence.
jaraad
07.04.2011
In my opinion, the harasser’s problem is not just the sexual abuse, he has a real problem accepting not being the center of attention. This was clear with the way he dealt with the problem. The first thing any wise person would do in such case is to go off-line, temporary at least. But he insisted on tweeting and even wrote a post about the whole thing which may put him in legal troubles since he admitted being a sexual harasser. Who does such thing? This man lack sense of logic what so ever and needs some close friends to keep him away from the internet for quite some time.
George
07.04.2011
“One of the girls (God bless her for her courage) took her rage online on twitter and voiced her thoughts to the world…” Lara I am gonna have to disagree with this statement.
What kind of madness is this? This guy lost his job and lost his reputation. I just believe the whole #AliDown is overrated and a severe abuse to social media channels. I don’t think this was the right thing to do to him. He did a big mistake, yet we MEN are ALL PERVERTS (excuse my language) but you know whats the difference between us and him? We control our actions and he doesn’t! And he have learned it the hard way but you as a respectful blogger and actually one of my favorite tweeps, do you really support what the girl did?
Thank you
George
Lara
07.04.2011
Hi George.
Long time my friend. Thanks for stopping by, here are a few thoughts.
Am I okay with the hashtag #AliDown??? I think it was too harsh and many tweets where are uncalled for, do I think the girl was brave, the answer is yes, because it was associated with a history of offline activity. Ali is a fellow blogger and I enjoy reading Confessions of a Chubby on so many occasssions, however, I have heard escapades of Sexual Harassment by many ladies who thought it was taboo to speak about it. To lose his job over it? I am mortified, Ali’s employer wasn’t a social media company, but the problem with Social Media is that your personal life becomes your corporate life especially your online presence, I am horrified that he lost his job and I think it was one of the worse things that could ever happen.
Did I write this blog to put Ali down? No! I tried to comment on his blog as Sleepless in Amman and I couldn’t, personally speaking I think Ali’s blogpost added fuel to the fire, he shouldn’t have blogged it in the first place because it was offensive on so many different levels. Are we human, yes, we all screw up but the levels of apologizing to someone for something that you have done varies, was Ali’s an apology, not a proper one no.
I am not okay with what Ali did and I think it’s a big deal, however, I hope you can find the courage to call up the girls one at at a time and seek forgiveness, and I hope the girls can calm down and find it in their heart to forgive him, I am not saying they have to talk to him, they probably won’t for the rest of their lives, but to forgive him is to stop talking about it, it’s to let go, and hope that whatever reputation he has left will get him a chance for a better life, proper improvement in his life style and hopefully to kick off a career, it’s one thing to mark someone for sexual harassment but another thing to wish them bad in their welfare. As we say in Arabic ate3 il reze2 7aram.
George
07.04.2011
What made him apologize in public to every girl? That chick who attacked him MADE him do it! She threatened and asked him to do it in public for every girl! You can go back and see her tweets with him! That’s why he was forced to apologize because she MADE HIM DO IT and the guy wanted all this to stop so HE HAD TO DO IT!
Sometimes when there is no way out of things, you just make it worse for some reason. The guy has a weak personality and I have even told him this before. Apparently what happened was people took advantage of his weak points and conquered him. This is like you forcing somebody to play boxing and he/she doesn’t have arms!! =/
Wouldn’t be much easier for EVERYONE if she simply block/deleted him?
Lara
07.04.2011
Would’ve been yes? Publicly apologizing to all the girls is too much in my opinion, I think he should do it offline in private, I am a girl, and I am against that for one reason, when I chose not to confront him about it and keep it to my self, that means I didn’t want anyone to know about it.
Disclaimer: I was never harassed by Ali online or offline, I am using this as a hypothetical example, to explain a point, not to blame or point fingers.
MurElly
07.04.2011
Great post, Lara… as usual.
I truly am quite confused by Ali’s post-exposure actions. Not because I thought he would respond better, but because I cannot comprehend his thinking. And what’s more boggling is the supporters who pile many more foolish sentences of perspectives and personal opinions on top of it all.
No one made him do anything…… all of this has happened because he’s never learned any self-control of any kind. Or respect for that matter.
I do hope he will stop trying to be the arab Charlie Sheen (yuk)now and realize that the only way to win is to back off and find help for a new and hopefully, better future. Offline.
random guy
07.03.2011
I do not understand why you had to score off his misdeed?
It would have been much helpful if someone talk to Ali.
I hope Ali is reading this, you are a good guy,it is not your fault you are chubby,not your fault if some girls don’t consider you as a perspective partner.
Please consider finding someone who can guide you to overcome your insecurities,it is very normal to seek help,and you are a smart person.
To all girls who were harassed,just let go,and think about it,that you would rather take his hand to the right path.
To all people who try to come off as moral preachers and score off his back, you are low and pathetic.
Girls get harassed by Arabic TV daily,from stupid video clips to idiotic teachings.
Ahmad, please seek someone’s guidance and don’t be put down by the mean comments,you have made a mistake,you apologized,but most importantly you need to work things out.
Lara,get yourself busy in another topic,find your self worthiness in something more useful.
Fshawash
07.03.2011
Well Said like “remember that they are someone’s sister, someone’s cousin and most likely someone’s daughter” part and “Jeet etkahelha 3ameetha”
I have no comment about the whole matter Because I still can’t Imagine such a thing Just happened In Jordan
great post
Musa'b ✔ (@Musab_2012)
07.03.2011
He needs to visit a psychiatrist ASAP ! He is not the only one in Amman or even in Arab world ! Many of boys & girls spend all their time on cyber sex ! Maybe u will ask why do they do that?
1- Cheaper & Safer !(Got it? )
2- Thinking that no body will know since he is doing that behind the screen and no one knows ! (But God Knows for sure )
3- Thinking it is much easier to find a girl online rather than finding a girl in real life !
4- Following his or her sexual desire without even thinking about the consequences of what he is doing !
5- كما تدين تدان ! Everything happens for any person for a reason !
A lot of words to say …bas sometimes keeping silent might be better !
Thanks Lara for this post w Allah yhde shbabna bas !
princess
07.03.2011
I had no clue of this incident but now I’m very curious. I enjoyed reading your post, nice blog!
Dodz
07.03.2011
well am not a blogger or social medi expert fa ya3nie what am gonna say is just common sense
1) the chubby case will be thought in universities
i work in PR the first thing u learn is that i am no longer just me its me and my clients. so my take on the matter that unfortunelly he will lose his job cuz no company wants to be represented by a sex offender, so Ali get ready fro major SHIT to hit your way
my advice is you quit ur job and look for a different careers or you can work in of these sites that u like
i have just 1 question you work on social media oo akalet rasna be enak malek el social media and yet you cant control your needs (That what separates us from animals) have some self control….
personally if i was one of his clients i will not want you to represent me
so have nice day and i hope not to see u and stay away from facebook and twitter !!! or infact ur not allowed to use a keyboard and mouse lol
Fekri
07.03.2011
Will, I can give a credit for this movement since he is the first one who apologize publicly. However the action itself was a joke. First, we all men and women have sexual needs but it is not an excuse to act like animal. Second, any sexual action not protected by marriage is a sin and there is no less sinful action than another in both Islam and Christianity. Third, since I’m a guy I’ll explain what happened, this girl who offer a cyber-sex rejected him so badly didn’t even give a chance to apologize and explain himself to her, since he really like this girl he fall into the classic guy thinking “If I become that or If I do this, she will know how much I love her and she’ll love me back” I know it is sound very silly but its true. In Ali’s case he thought if I humiliate him self for her, she’ll say “oh poor thing. You did that for me? I’ll forgive you, I’ll give you a second chance”. But this will not happen. If the girl doesn’t love the boy she won’t love the boy. Still I don’t get why this will never work but I know that it will never work.
So Lara the reason some guys- including me though my soft comment considered harsh- go soft on this man not because we agree on what he done. Because they know the problem is more deeper than the problem that he reveled
Ahmad
07.03.2011
well said Lara and i don’t know if he deserve a second chance!! i think the only one they should answer this is those girls that got harassed by him..
kinzi
07.03.2011
Well said, Lara. Apologies can’t be just public damage control, he needs to tell these girls (individually) he is sorry in voice, listen to what they (and their brothers) have to say in response, and apologize again with no excuses or expectation of forgiveness now. Or trust.
He betrayed an online community, as well as dishonored these girls. With all we talk about harassment and honor issues on-line, the level of personal disconnect is boggling.
Ali does need professional counseling, I’ll be posting some the numbers of some good counselors soon. But those counseling him to disappear forever and go kill himself is also going too far.
meg sakka
07.03.2011
I don’t really know the whole story. But, I would like to put my two cents in.
Gentleman do not harass ladies ever. You may write someone once and ask if the are interested in talking to you. If you get no reply or a no, leave the girl alone.
And gentleman I would like to give you a small piece of advice: writing someone on facebook or any other social media site saying “hello sweety, i like your profile picture and want to be your friend” is like stalking. Seriously, no girl will want to talk to you if you do this. Don’t do it! Really, just don’t do it!
If you have any etiquette questions, feel free to write me, I would be happy to offer you any advice needed to help you be a “gentleman” not a stalker, not a pervert, not a social loser.
P.S. I really enjoy this blog!
A passer by
07.03.2011
Every single guy has his urges but he is expected to control himself, else he is no different than animals we see mating on National Geographic…
The following will sound offensive and violent so I am sorry to say it in advance: I am a married guy who has a daughter, nieces, sisters and female cousins. I am very open minded but for me if someone tried to sexually harass any lady of my family online or offline the least that will happen is that he will lose his front teeth (not just saying it, I did it a couple of times: one guy had a broken arm and the other guy truly lost his front teeth).
This Ali should hide somewhere faaaaaaaaaar away because there’re so many guys like me who are ready to get their hands dirty to teach such scumbag a lesson he would never forget…
George
07.04.2011
Sir, I respect your opinion. I have 3 sisters who I love so much and I have cousins who share the same blood. But sir, Do you think violence is the right solution to such people?
Let’s say this happened to my sister, you know what my sister would do? Simply, block/delete him. and Case is Closed. Why all this massacre? I am not defending the dude, YES he does deserve it and I am sure he have learned it the hard way. But why does this have to effect his working life? Reputation? Family name?
Only God can judge him. Who are we to punish him? We are humans and we do mistakes and we will be punished for them. And it’s so unfair how every single guy commenting on #AliDown is descent all of a sudden? So they wouldn’t cyber sex if they had a chance to?
I think this is a total abuse to social media. May God forgive Ali and at the same time help him. How do you think his mom/sister feels now? Just put yourself in his shoes for 5 mins sir. for 5 mins only. I know you wouldn’t do such mistake in the first place but let’s say you DID. Again, put yourself in his shoes.
Thank you
George
Tarakiyee
07.03.2011
Since when was an apology a “brave act”. It’s much braver and more decent to not do the bad thing in the first place. It’s quite obvious what he’s trying to do, he wants to apologise, and be redeemed, and act tomorrow like nothing ever happened and his reputation never was tarnished.
What Ali (and sorry for making this analogy) and most of the politicians in Jo, and the world don’t realise is… there is no shortcut to redemption. You can’t just apologise and avoid getting caught a second time. I’m not heartless, but I’m not going to say he deserves a second chance. Sexual harassment isn’t like speeding. He doesn’t deserve a second chance, but maybe if he truly does change and works hard he might earn it. I don’t think that’s asking for much.
What shocked me more is the attitude of the other tweeps who attempted to justify it, weakly, and those who blamed the women which is just shameless. Some said, “those of you without a sin cast the first stone.” I’m sorry, but what the hell? This doesn’t apply, we’re not in a society where the lowest common denominator of sin is sexual harassment, at least not yet.
Lara
07.03.2011
You leave me speechless Tarakiyee, I guess once a blogger, always a blogger, no? =)
Tarakiyee
07.03.2011
Haha, I guess so. =]
Mostafa
07.03.2011
Best post I’ve read so far since morning!
I have and will have no comment about that matter to be honest …
As a brother for a girl, i was shocked to read about all of this today. and especially from him.
What he did will be unforgivable for many, and he will have to live with that.
Lara
07.03.2011
Thank you, I have had so much thoughts today but for some reason there are not enough twitter characters for me to compose them. Allah ysam7o, banat il nas mish lo3beh!
Mostafa
07.03.2011
if i want to express what i feel right now … i would write a book! 0_o
i was thinking sbout finishing up my blog today just to write about that! but i backed up at the last minute, I hate writing while being angry, since last time i tried, nothing good came out of it …
Bottom line, He doesn’t deserve a second chance .. there is a Red line for almost everything in the world. He missed the U-turn.
Moey
07.03.2011
Great post
Sexual harassment in the age of Twitter | Ana Naddoush
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[...] post is based on the current case in the social media eye in Jordan and my own perspectives from my time and experiences [...]
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